Letter 3

August 24, 2014

Dear Jesse,

During your last few years alive we had many confrontations. That was us. You and I, we often said the things to eachother that others would never have the nerve to say. Often it was the truth we spoke, although rather harsh, but it indeed was the truth.

Within 2 years your dog Vida died, then mom, then our step dad, Paul. You and I had different ideas about grieving all of it. This was around the time that you jumped head first into expressing everything through your Facebook page. I remember how fucking angry it was making me. I saw you putting everything out there for the world to see although you wouldn’t come with me to see a therapist. I remember after mom died and I found out I was pregnant with Dylan, I made a point to see a therapist every single week for my entire pregnancy. I had to start sorting through the darkness so I could be a good mom. Being a motherless mother was never in my plan, Jesse. Having our mother suddenly ripped away felt like a cruel fucking joke.

The day I woke up to find our moms funeral pictures all over your Facebook, it made me infuriated. Not because I was ashamed, but because I felt like you were being selfish to Aimee and I. You never even asked us if we minded. It seemed to me you only cared about your pain. You wouldn’t get help with me and talk to someone but you would post those moments for strangers. I felt like you were spiraling, Jesse. That day we had a blow out over the phone about all of it. This is what you told me through an email afterwards-

9/4/12

“If I was a writer I would have written a story or an essay, if i was a musician i would have wrote a song, but I am a photographer and I express myself through imagery. Emotion is a spectrum and It is as important to show the joy as well, the sorrow. And just professionally speaking, i have no idea why only famous people’s funerals are documented and not the average individual. Hieu made a beautiful piece of work and i believe all beautiful should be seen and double standards eradicated. After I learned of Paul’s death there was an overwhelming feeling that a major portion of my life had been closed forever. His death connected to mom and Vida, for what should be obvious reasons. Now we may differ on our interpretation of facebook, but fb is a blog to me and this point is not really up for discussion. So seeing that a blog is a personal conduit to the world outside of us, it seemed a natural place to express my feelings. Just like you express your feelings of joy about the life you and Jeremy created. Your constant barage of images and content related to dylan is always beautiful, but I tell you that it can really make a person without a family of their own feel extremely lonely and sad. I have never expressed this because i would never want to stifle your expression of joy and pride in your son, but truthfully it hurts sometimes.. the way your posts and emails can make me feel more lonely. we all grieve and celebrate in our own ways and i try to respect that. Now as far as my self-medication, i don’t like it any more than you do. But you aren’t a 35 year-old person who exists alone day-in and day-out so i ask you not to judge the moments i need something to get through the day. I am not as fortunate right now to have the support and impetus that comes with spouse or child, this goes for you and aimee the same. Obviously i am emotionally retarded, and although you perceive it as an inebriated mistake, i have found that i need to be altered to get anything out at all sometimes.. i have realized how constrained and under-developed emotionally i am, and i am just glad i can get it out anyway i can.”

When I sat at that round table at the funeral home deciding the details of whether or not we would be putting you in the ground or cremating you, I knew what it was that you really wanted. I asked Hieu, your friend and a fellow photographer, if he thought he’d be able to photograph your wake. I think he normally would have said, no, however, he knew you and I believe that’s what gave him the strength to do it.

I wish you could have seen every person who came that night. Boy I tell you Jesse, you were loved. You were are really fucking loved. There were people who showed up who you would have bet money never would have. Gizmo was a wreck, Brady and Tinney were too. These people you thought didn’t care about you, they were a fucking wreck over your death. I don’t know exactly why, but somewhere along the line you put your friendships with certain Ridley people away. I don’t know if it was the drugs or what, but I made it a point to tell certain people who showed up just how much they meant to you. I felt like I knew who really, really needed to hear it.

When it was time for people to get up and speak about you and your life, not many had the courage, but Larry did. Jess, he made us laugh. He told a few stories about you and ended it with how much you will truly be missed. And my god, you are really missed. The time came for Aimee but it was too much for her. I remember feeling like what I really, really needed to say was in a letter I had sent 7 months before you would kill yourself. I still don’t know if you ever read it.

7/7/13

Jesse, I’m worried sick about you right now and not just because of how you left earlier. I can see the pain in your eyes, the loneliness, the sadness and utter despair. I’m terrified that you are going to kill yourself at some point. When I looked up and saw your car zoom passed me on my walk today, I had a sinking feeling that that could very well be the last time I see you alive. I wish i could make things better for you but I can’t, no one can, only you can. I seriously don’t know what to do as your sister. You may feel like this is a bit dramatic but I have to share some things with you because I don’t know where your life is heading. 

I remember this one time when I was playing peewee softball for Chester youth and you came to the game Aimee and I were playing. It wasn’t until stepping up to the plate to bat that I noticed you. When I saw you I had this fire to impress you and hit a home run. I never hit the home run but you coming to my game meant everything. Thank you for showing up that day. I remember taping myself on a vhs for you while you were in the navy. I sat in my room and played air drums to music we both liked and then picked my nose at one point. I hope that tape gave you a sense of home when you were halfway across the world. I remember the morning my friend Rocco died when I was 14, you came up to my room later that day and just hugged me and we both cried. I remember feeling very close to you at that moment in time. Thank you so much for that. I remember seeing you hold my son for the first time and how beautiful it was. I’ve envisioned you teaching him about photography and how to capture the beauty when a subject is unaware of themselves. If I’ve never told you before, you know how to capture the unspoken in a person, the hidden things among the ones on display. You truly have a gift that can change your life in more ways then one and really, really take you somewhere if you’d just let it. It’s that special. Jesse, I would go through hell and back to help you get better from the inside out but I know that only you can make that choice. I’m here for you and always will be, brother.

I love you with all of my heart,

Jenee