Letter 16

May 20, 2015

Dear Jesse,

She knew about the motel, the police, the pain, the drugs.

All the gut feelings, the subtle nudges I felt leading up to this phone call with her, it was all for that moment.

You were confirming everything through this woman.

“You weren’t supposed to physically be a part of his death at the end, there was a reason you were many miles away”, she told me.

That was one of the hardest things I had struggled with in the beginning. The distance. The separation. The guilt. You know, to some people it may sound really fucked up, but there was a part of me that wished I could have at least held your hand or lay with you when you died. Not because I thought your decision was right, quite the opposite, but because my love for you and our sister, Aimee, supercedes the choice you made.

You are my brother.

I just wished I had the chance to tell you that before you left. No matter what you were about to do, even kill yourself, you are a part of my heart and soul forever and I will love you always, even if it destroys me for a bit.

Knowing this, this is why I had to cut you out.

I had to save myself.

“He keeps saying, ‘my legacy’. Do you know what this is all about?”, she asked.

Eight months before you would kill yourself, you came down to visit Dylan and I while we were in Charleston. It was the most beautiful yet excruciating time for me as your sister. I remember how bad you looked, for you. I could tell something was going on. When Dylan was asleep I tried talking to you. I was so worried. I brought up how I could tell you weren’t taking care of yourself.

You became extremely uncomfortable and started to withdraw in that moment.

You and I were never the type to beat around the bush with each other. This is what provided us both with a strong respect for one another even though it caused waves.

There was a hope missing from your eyes. They looked so blank. It was terrifying. The only joy you seemed to have was with Dylan, or as you called him, Mr. Pickles.

 The afternoon before you were about to leave we had a fight. I was so tense from the worry of sensing your despair and you were so aware that I was aware.

Things came to a head.

I didn’t want to argue in front of Dylan so I put him in the stroller and went for a walk hoping we could both cool off. I called our sister, Aimee, and was telling her about the situation.

What happened next is something I’ll never forget.

As I circled around to head back I was stopped in my tracks to you speeding down the road in your car. As my eyes saw you in the driver seat, you passed by Dylan and I and never looked.

That very moment, I knew in my soul, in my heart of hearts, that you were going to die.

I was going to lose my brother.

I’ll never forget the feeling of knowing.

Just before you died, you told Aimee to make sure I was given your hard drive. It has all of your photography work on it from the beginning to the end. All of your journals, your writings, it is waiting in a box.

“His legacy, Jen, do you know what this is about?” she asked again.

“Yes… I know what this is about.”