Letter 17

May 24, 2015

Dear Jesse,

“Your thoughts, he’s telling me he is already in your thoughts”, the medium said.

I could have thrown up the moment I heard that.

I remember the first time something weird happened. It had been about two months after your death. Jeremy, Dylan and I went to a friend’s 1st birthday party they were having for their son at City Park in New Orleans. It was the first time I had done my hair and put on makeup since you died. I really pushed myself that day to be involved in what was going on there. Taking pictures, smiling, talking to the guests, but the reality of you being dead was front and center in my mind. A photo that Jeremy snapped of me when I was unaware that day really showed it well. There were two realities, the one I was standing in at the birthday party, and the one that was going on inside my mind and emotions.

I sat on a concrete bench and watched Dylan run around with a few other children while they all blew bubbles. Anytime the moments would allow my mind to wonder it came back to you. The aching inside from losing you was so fucking present.

It was so fucking heavy.

“Come here, Dyl”, I yelled out as Dylan needed me to wipe his nose. Just after I said that, a random man who happen to be walking by at that moment turned towards Jeremy and I and said,

“Pickles”

I took a double take as he continued walking along, not really sure I heard myself right or that it really even happened. I looked at Jeremy and asked if he heard it too. He shook his head, yes.

That was your name for Dylan. That’s all you called him when you were alive, ‘Mr. Pickles’ and ‘Pickles”. I couldn’t shake that experience the rest of the day although I didn’t bring it up to anyone.

She told me that I would be extremely exhausted and to make sure I took care of myself. What was a 60 minute session had lasted over an hour and a half. I remember after hanging up with her feeling like I was going to collapse. I wanted to crawl into bed and pull the sheets over my head. There was a part of me that didn’t want all of this to have even just happened. I remember seeing Jeremy and Dylan out in the living room after leaving the office where I had the call with her. I just shook my head at him as I walked by and headed into the kitchen with a dazed look in my eyes. Where the fuck would I have even started? He didn’t press for any details and I was glad. I just jumped back into life mode while my body and emotions felt like dead weight.