Letter 26

December 16, 2018

Dear Jesse,

It was the third time I almost lost her.

I awoke that morning with a vivid dream that I couldn’t shake. Later that evening I would find out they were the heartbreaking details of a situation simultaneously happening in another state.

It was December 2015.

Standing in an Italian restaurant I looked through a large window onto the busy street. I needed guidance, help, comfort, something that would help stabilize me through the crisis situation at hand, and somehow validate these experiences with you since you died. It had been almost two years packed with immense change, incredible signs, synchronicities and experiences with your spirit after your physical death. Standing in front of the restaurant window I closed my eyes and whispered to you,

“Jesse, I need you to bring me somebody who can help me understand all of this.”

I just started googling the current location I was in with things like “energy reading” and “communicating with those who passed on”. I went through countless pages of searches and websites until after almost 24 hours of searching, I came to a stop. Something about this particular website and this woman I stumbled across instantly connected to something inside me. I didn’t question it and picked up the phone to call her office. After leaving a message she later returned my call and we scheduled an appointment for the following week.

It was an evening appointment. After parking I located the office building and proceeded. I had no idea what was waiting on the other side of the door in front of me. I just did my best to stay positive and in my mind I continually asked you to bring me validation in the session so I knew it was you. Shortly after knocking a petite Indian woman opened the door and greeted me with an incredibly warm smile. Her smile instantly put me at ease as she showed me to where our session would be. I sat down in a comfortable chair as she nestled into the chair next to her desk. Once situated she asked if I was ready to begin to which I said, yes. With a pad of white paper in front of her on the desk she said,

“I have some notes here that I channeled before our session and I’d like to share them with you as we start.”

I nodded my head in agreement and waited to hear what it was she was about to share.

She started…

“Two Circles -- one resting on top of another vertically.
We meet together in this life. We love, laugh, cry and experience in human life.
We part ways on our own journey now. It is not permanent goodbye.
We will meet together in the middle again in another experience, in another lifetime and recognize one another through love and Spiritual awareness. Then we will part again, moving onto exploring new experiences. This is the movement of what is infinity. We will meet again.”

I was speechless.

The number 8 had finally made sense to me after two years.

I finally understood what it was all about.

Aimee had found you dead on February 9, 2014 but I’d always said you died on the 8th. She would get confused by me saying this and at times irritated, rightfully so, because you indeed died on the 9th, it was on your death certificate. But I had always felt an inner knowing that it was on the 8th you started the process of killing yourself, even if your spirit didn’t leave your body until the 9th. For two years after your death the number 8 would pop out to me everywhere I looked. 8, 88, 888, on receipts, license plates, signage, I mean everywhere you can think of. My conscious mind was seeing the number 8 on what seemed like complete overload. Even though I didn’t understand why or what it meant exactly, my intuition always knew it was you.

After hearing this, I finally understood. You really were with me, you were helping guide me, your physical death wasn’t the end, in fact, our relationship and your spirit had only moved into a different space.

I continued to be silent as the woman continued.

“Birds, Thunderbird, a Native American connection from long ago.”

I held back a flood of tears while so many things were internally connecting for me on an emotional and soul level. The very first experience I had had with you was with the bald eagle in the middle of a New Orleans park. This experience was life changing for me as it was the first time I was becoming aware of channeling you in my thoughts as well as feeling connected to a life force greater then I had ever known. It impacted me so much that I had it forever tattooed on my skin. I now understood why I was drawn to a thunderbird style bald eagle and why I chose to place an 8 inside of its heart.

There was also another piece to this, a piece that had nothing to do with your death. It was about me and that I was waking up to a different idea of who I was and my own human existence. Native American culture had always been something I was drawn to from the time I was a young child. There was such a strong pull inside of me to it, however, it was no where in our family lineage, no real explanation for it. One of my most vivid childhood memories was when I was about 7 or 8. Mom and dad had recently divorced and us three children were left navigating this fracture without much emotional support and guidance. I remember sitting in our backyard alone in the grass after school one day. There was this patch of really fine dirt in the middle of the lawn and that’s where I was. I remember feeling extremely sad and scared inside although I didn’t know how to express it. I started gathering sticks and in this patch of fine dirt I constructed a village of teepees. I just remember sitting there by myself and feeling a strong sense of home as I stared at the makeshift village. I experienced a sense of safety and peace in those fleeting moments but never understood why.

Now I finally did.

She continued on…

“J:  I AM Free, flying up above in the jet streams.

You’re waking up to a new paradigm shift within yourself. You need to accept the Spiritual part of you so that it expresses easier through the human aspect. Divine Grace has always been surrounding you. Acknowledge this blessing and gift you have naturally brought in.”

I almost jumped out of the chair. She now had included the letter “J” in connection to specific messages.

This was you, you were showing up for me at a time I so desperately needed.

There was a mix of absolute joy and complete validation simultaneously running through my body, Jesse. First the bald eagle then the vultures, I was right all along. Once the vulture showed up in my life , it was then I knew there was a theme going on and a very strong connection between myself and them, and you, and me being a spiritual being having a human experience.

All of it.

I understood why I’d always see vultures riding the jet streams so frequently. Why I was drawn to visiting a place they’d all perch together as a committee when I lived in South Carolina. Some days I’d drive my car there, alone, to just be with 70+ birds. It gave me a deep sense of connection to something so much greater then I could understand.

There was more.

“J:  is looking over your right shoulder as you write. He reads everything as you are writing and thinking over what to place.

You and J:  Partnership for a creative endeavor now. Both of you in this new redefined relationship will create something that will benefit Group consciousness.”

I had already been writing you letters for the last year and a half on, Dear Jesse My Brother. I had been publically giving a voice to my journey, your journey, our journey. I never had real clarity on why I initially chose to make it public other then having an overwhelming knowing it just had to be public. You impressed upon me that I was to focus on nothing else other then publically speaking my truth.

There is no end goal, no finish line, no other objective.

The ripple effect of me doing so is what matters, something that will take on a life of it’s own as long as I stay focused and committed to one thing and one thing only…

Speaking my truth.

I also understood what she was talking about when she said, “ J is looking over your right shoulder when you write and thinking over what to place.” The last time we lived together I was in my mid twenties. You stayed with me at my apartment in Philly for several months after moving back from San Francisco. At that time I was doing a lot a creative video editing. You would always come in, stand behind me and lean over my right side, watching how I chose to put the frames together. So many times I got annoyed because I could hear your breathing and I’d tell you in my sisterly way to, “get out!” We’d always erupt in laughter because you knew you were doing it on purpose and I knew you were too.

But this time is different.

This time neither one of us are laughing.

This time we’re helping one another from either sides of the veil now separating us.

She had a few more things written down for me but it was this last piece that really took me back to our childhood together.

“Ring with initials (gold or lighter metal) - Mom: her ring or given a ring to someone.”

It was our last vacation as a family before mom and dad split. We were at Sandy Cove. Mom had recently had a gold ring made for you with your initials, JPB, inscribed on the top of it. You had worn it out when you went water skiing that weekend. Something happened while you were on the water leaving the ropes to get tangled within your hands while it pulled you. Your finger broke and when the boat brought you back, they had to cut the ring off of your finger due to swelling. Although you never wore the ring again, I did as a preteen even with the bottom part cut because you and I had the same initials.

You never knew that when you were alive, that I had kept your broken ring after all those years.

When my session was over, I asked her if she could type up the notes and email them to me. I never wanted to forget the messages you had waiting for me, ever. I knew there would be a day in the future when I needed to look back on this experience, this validation, to help remind me to keep moving forward in the midst of my struggles. To remind me that no matter what challenges are in front of me, I am alive for something that is so much greater then what meets the human eye, or my bank account, my business, or my hurting heart. That the death of something is the birth of something completely brand new.

Thank you for choosing me as your sister this go round,

I love you, Jesse.