Letter 27
January 1, 2019
Dear Jesse,
Last night I had a dream.
As my eyes opened this morning I became aware of the dream still projecting onto the lucid awareness of my waking consciousness.
The funeral home was filled with those who knew you and those who loved you.
With my hands in my pant pockets, I left the side of your casket and started to walk around the room. It was filled with people standing, sitting and waiting. Although no one was watching me, I knew they could see me leaving my post by your casket, the place where I received every single person who came to pay their respects. As I walked back up the aisle leading to where your body was, I was hyper aware of my internal thoughts during my experience at your funeral. I remember thinking to myself as I walked back towards your casket,
“So this is what it feels like to be present during the pain, to be present within the experience of great loss.”
While the words of my internal observation came into my conscious experience during the dream, I suddenly heard a voice say to me,
“Stay awake.”
When I awoke this morning I knew exactly what those two words meant.
Stay awake.
As I look back over the last two years, it feels like it’s been a time period which has been setting the stage for important experiences. Experiences that would eventually evoke change and deep personal realizations from me. Experiences that felt as though I was inside of a compacter, panicking and looking for a way to survive. Since August, I’ve felt as though there has been accelerant drenching every area of my life.
Fire, pressure, pressure, fire.
The internal conditions I’ve been navigating have brought me back to different time periods in my life where there was great loss, a lot of uncertainty and a feeling of floating. Experiences that asked me let go of what I wanted and to accept what was staring back at me. To pick up those pieces of reality and create a masterpiece.
As I sat looking out my living room window this morning, a word came to me…
Moulting.
I am walking into an intense period of letting go and shedding certain things I’ve identified myself with for some time now. The universe is making room for new growth in my life no matter how much effort I’ve put in to making something happen or even work.
There’s a different plan, one that’s for my highest good, even though I may not understand. I’m being asked to trust this process while so many areas of my life are up in the air. To say this time has been unnerving would be a complete understatement.
Stay awake.
I have been reminded about my power in staying awake through this painful process of letting go, just like I’ve done every step of the way after physically losing both you and mom. That’s how I will grow into the version of myself that lies ahead.
That’s where my magic is.
