Letter 28

February 10, 2019

Dear Jesse,

I’ve often thought about myself before I was ever born into this life. 

I’ve pictured myself sitting on a bench thinking of all the things I wanted to feel, to experience, when in my physical body.

“I want to experience depth.

I want to experience beauty.

I want to experience love, a love that has no limits.

I want to experience living an authentic existence.

I want to experience creativity and connection.

I want to experience triumph.

I want to experience what it’s like to be bold and resilient in the face of trials.

I want to experience what it’s like to be moved from such a place of passion that I’m unstoppable in the pursuit of feeling it.

I want to know what it’s like to trust myself and my intuition even when standing alone.

I want to experience growth, real soul expanding growth.

I want to know what it’s like to truly own my power as a human being.

I want to experience what it’s like to feel the spirit world all around me, the magic of the unseen.

I want to experience myself in a way that will make me grow into the most breathtaking flower my eyes will ever see.”

Sitting on the sidelines of life waiting for my time to be born.

To be born and pushed into the place where I can get my human hands dirty and learn. 

A place where I can evolve.

A place where I could remember.

Your death was the catalyst for a deeper awaking inside of myself. An experience that drove me so deep inside my emotional body and that there was no way I was coming back out the same. 

I’ve often thought about that bench. 

I’ve often thought about sitting on it with you while we told each other the things we wanted to experience during this life. What parts could we play for eachother while simultaneously learning our individual life lessons. Sitting on the bench, we knew that being born and dying was nothing but sailing out past the horizon. We’d always be connected because energy can’t be destroyed and love is the only thing that transcends space and time. 

You jumped first.

Then Aimee.

Then me.

What a crash course it’s been ever since.

Two years ago I had what I could only describe as one of the most mystical experiences with my [self]. I felt fragmented pieces of my inner world pulling together and clicking into place. I had been drawn to listening to a particular song over and over at that time. After hearing the song’s lyrics replay, it brought me to my knees with tears streaming down my face…

“ so we’re gonna heal

we’re gonna start again

  you’ve brought the orchestra and synchronized swimmers

you’re the magician

pull me back together again the way you cut me in half

the alchemist, you’ll spin gold out of this hard life

 and conjure beauty in the things left behind

find healing where it did not live

nothing real can be threatened

true love brought salvation back into me.

with every tear came redemption and my torturer became my remedy ”

In that moment it felt as though I was looking down at my life and understanding these extremely painful events with an awareness I’d never had before. Losing mom, losing you the way I did, in that moment I understood the higher purpose it was playing in my life. 

My awareness was actually able to see this deep pain and great loss as a gift. 

I felt your energy and mom’s energy encompassing me in those moments. You both were supporting me as I accepted my truth about my life, your lives, all the things we agreed to experience while simultaneously teaching one another in and out of our bodies. 

It’s still something I become emotional about whenever I’ve tried talking to someone about it. The love and support I felt in those moments still can take my breath away. 

Those lyrics, it was as if they were my own love letter to my self… the one sitting on the bench and the one standing in her body that very moment.